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Icon appropriate!! [Sep. 15th, 2007|09:41 pm]
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makaioh
Wow, valamelmeo linked me to this and HOLY SHIT I TOTALLY FORGOT THE DEADLINE FOR TRANSLATION OF 12 B IS TOMORROW UH OH.

Anyway, she linked me to something that I shamelessly stole because it needs deconstructing. It's a piece that appeared in a quarterly (American) comic magazine back in 2000. And as much as I wanted to, I didn't change or edit any of the text or pictures in these scans. I just copied them (shamelessly) from the internet and shrunk 'em down to about 100 kb per page or so.
And to make this even worse? I turn on the tv to find a horrifying 60s-era Hanna-Barbaric cartoon entitled "Moby Dick and Mighty Mightor". In which Moby Dick the Great White Whale of literature travels the sea with two boneheaded scuba children and a sea lion SAVING THE WORLD.


"Crime and Punishment" is actually one of my favorite novels of all time. If you haven't read it, I think you should at least try it. You'll know within the first few pages whether or not you'll want to read the whole thing, but it's really very compelling and I actually could not put it down. You know, until I was done. Except for when I had to like, pee and get a beverage and eat f00d and stuff. Yeah.

Note that it reads from Left to Right... I now present, via internet theft:


OK, let's say for the sake of argument that the phrase DOSTOEVSKY COMICS didn't break your brain. And then, let's continue by assuming the image of BATMAN with an AXE standing over the old woman hasn't scarred you for life. EVEN IF those things haven't hurt, what the FUCK is with that picture of Dostoevsky up there! I have a mental image of Mista D (ftwlol) cursing from the afterlife in English with a thick Russian accent (because I only know two Russian words) "Fuck did I rly look like that? How embarrassing. I wish they'd have used my graduating class photo, I was such a stud. At least they split my unibrow..."



R...Raskol? His name is RASKOL? OK yeah I don't have a good memory for names, but I know damn well his name weren't RASKOL. That sound like... you know what it sounds like. Lets' just say, tha's not his name. It was Roskolnikov or something. I forgot.
That's irrelevant, albeit embarrassingly primitive. LOOK AT THE CEILING. His apartment is full of bats?! Is that why there's a shadow on the wall implying that he will Batmanifest at some point? We already knew that from the spoileriffic cover page!!
But, there's something even more frightening on this page. Look at the bottom middle panel. Have you read the original work? (You should, it's ubar) If you have, you should see the imminent horror.
BUT, even if you haven't. Think about what that man is saying. In case you don't follow, "walking the streets" is a euphemism for prostitution. And the last line of the old drunk? "And I drink HIS money away!"
(there will be more discussion on this later.)



Panel 1: You're telling me a man with THAT MUCH ARM HAIR has NO CHEST HAIR?
Panel 2: LOOK AT HIS CHEST SYMBOL. That is not a bat. IT IS THE HEAD OF AN AXE. You know, if they were going to change his name (and soooooo much other stuff) they should have just kept the pun and given him a baseball bat as a weapon.
OK forget the next couple of panels, check out bottom left panel. Woman getting her skull split with the blunt end of an axe. Her response? "Oooh!"
Nice trousers and wing-tips, there, buddy.



"Liz" comes in, and then... middle left panel, "With one blow, his blade splits all the top of her head!"
All of it? All the top? The whole top? All? (Now I'm just making fun of the funky grammar.)
TO THE GRAMMAR CRISIS ROOM! AWAY!
Bottom right panel. That Guy shows up with a summons. He just hands it to the "Hero", without even questioning why the mild-mannered student has been replaced with BATMAN. Unshorn batman. "Excuse me, Mr. Not-Bruce-Wayne-Batman sir, but I have a message for you...."



The BRUTES! They suspect!
Well duh, Batmanikov, you got a friggin AXE HEAD silhouette on your CHEST.
Last panel: There's the caped crusader we know and luv! (Not me, I don't like Batman rly) He's floating above the pavement. With his trousers and wing-tips.



Here's where it gets real weird. Here comes beloved Sonny, dressed in shamefull gutter finery... Sonny? That... that is a MAN?! He's wearing a gutter finery DRESS ffs!! Why would they make that character a man?? You'll see in a minute...
Meanwhile, Detective Double-breasted is on the case. Winking. Because HE CAN SEE THE FRIGGIN AXE HEAD ON HIS CHEST.



You know, there's a lot I could say about this page, but I can't help but wonder how the FUCK those glasses stay on his face. (I really was hoping it was actually two monacles.)
And that bottom-left panel? That's no dream. That's the axe-flinging dance. Shake it, Batmanikov, shake it like a polaroid picture.



I REALLY HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THIS WHOLE "SONNY" BUSINESS.
Oh for the love of things that are inked and colored... ROBIN?? That's the reason they turned the female lead into a male transsexual prostitute?!
A.. male transsexual prostitute with a BIG FRIGGIN BIBLE?!
Oh they are so gonna make out, Robinya and Batmanikov. In front of the Bible.



Toldya they were gonna make out.



There's no bats in Robinya's house. I don't see them in Batmanikov's house, either. I guess they're allergic to smoke.
Throughout this comic there's been consistent freaky shit in the bottom left panel. I'm not sure if this is because that's the last panel the artist draws and he's pissed off by then, or because that's the panel the New Guy is responsible for, but... nice expressive blue eyebrows there, Batmanikov.



And now, the culmination of the story! The most powerful scene in the entire novel! Reduced to... oh lol, sorry, I mean, I LOVE yaoi, and I can't stomach that first scene. Hello, art department! I'm eating here!
And so, Batmanikov repents and confesses, removing his mask and showing the shocked officers that he is, in fact...
JEAN VALJEAN.

"Don't miss our next issue!"
I won't. Not unless the scope is busted. (I jest. I would buy every fucking issue of this compilation that had "Dostoevsky Comics" in it if I could find it.)


Hama-chan is awesome, and i agree. That Is Just Not Right!! ¬_¬
I'm not insanedrop trou!

Comments:
[User Picture]
From:leviosa8
Date:September 16th, 2007 - 04:22 am
(Link)
I think I am of the portion that died at the "Dostoievsky Comics" and wouldn't come back to assimilate the rest.

[User Picture]
From:makaioh
Date:September 17th, 2007 - 12:31 am
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But.. but... Batmanikov and Robinya!!

[User Picture]
From:leviosa8
Date:September 17th, 2007 - 12:44 am
(Link)
I said assimilate, not SEE!
::covers eyes, covers eyes, covers eyes::


[User Picture]
From:mahoshi
Date:September 16th, 2007 - 01:26 pm
(Link)
...I admit I do not have the guts to actually read the bubbles. "Raskol" has killed enough of my brain cells already. (Why do they have to bold it on every page?)

[User Picture]
From:makaioh
Date:September 17th, 2007 - 12:32 am
(Link)
It's like a trainwreck!! Completely horrifying, and yet, I can't look away! Or stop mouthing off about how wrong it all is ^^v
TRULY THE PINNACLE OF AMERICAN LITERARY TRADITION. (sad but true)


[User Picture]
From:chained_fire
Date:September 16th, 2007 - 07:55 pm
(Link)
Okay, I just skimmed through this. I couldn't bear to read the whole thing thoroughly. I am not that brave. Man, first the Kaidoh Album and now this. Why do you keep posting things that hurt my brain? XP

But yeah, I read Crime and Punishment in high school. I agree that it's a good read. I was confused some of the time but it was a good type of confused. :)

[User Picture]
From:makaioh
Date:September 17th, 2007 - 12:34 am
(Link)
Well nothing could be more like "the good kind of confused" than Batmanikov and Robinya!! I'm totally joking!! It's PAINFUL AND MORTIFYING. But so so so very funny, on a "wow, how much dum can you fit in 10 pages of ink" level.