NOTE: It was a bad idea to put a postcard with a picture of Scar on it up on my cubicle wall, as I now have a tendency to stare at it rather than do work. He's so hott.
I am going to post the first part of my pool party fanfic here. So far there is no smut or anything in it, just some implications. It's the stupidest thing ever, and apart from paragraph 1, the style is incredibly goofy.
The point is, I am enjoying it. And if it's fun for me to read, that's all that matters :D
Title: Envy's Pool Party (until I think of a better title)
Author: ME, doi. *kick*
Pairing: The only explicit pairing so far is Greed/Kimberly. (There's quite a bit of implied flirting/ogling/etc)
Summary: Er... you need a summary for a fic entitled "Envy's Pool Party"? Explicit scenes of Moofy combing Ed's hair. Lust in a bikini. Hawkeye in a non-bikini. Kimberly playing pranks. Havoc playing poker. Me writing poorly.
AU? A bit, yes.
ENVY'S POOL PARTY
It was one of those annoyingly hot days that resembles more an electric oven than a furnace. The sort of heat that seems innocuous when one is testing the weather but creeps in to strangle all that venture out. The only possible respite was complete submergence, and even that only served to commute one's sentence from baking to boiling.
In a third-floor condo on the far-north side of town, a wiry fellow with a long dark braid and odd circles tattooed on his palms stretched the entire length of the sofa; clad only in trousers and an undershirt. He had one arm curled over his eyes, and the other unceremoniously draped on the floor beside him.
He didn't move at all as he heard the door behind him open.
"One question," he asked of the intruder to his solitude. "Why have you taken seven showers?"
A slightly damp but impeccably dressed homunculus replied matter-of-factly, "It's hot outside."
"That's because you wear a fur collar and leather pants in the summer."
Greed ignored the comment and picked up Kimberly's sportscoat. "Come on," he said as he threw it at the lounging alchemist.
Kimberly sat up and examined his jacket as if it were made of spoons.
"Envy's pool party started 20 minutes ago."
"You despise Envy."
"That's true enough. Come on."
* * *
Nearly and hour and a half later, a silver Dodge Viper convertible pulled up to Envy's house. Envy had heard the subwoofer from about six blocks away and was well prepared for the unwelcome (although properly invited) guest.
"Overcompensating a bit, eh," he remarked, sarcastically admiring the vehicle.
Greed reached out and pulled open the waistband on Envy's skort. He didn't get to check out the competition before his hand was slapped away.
"Are you rescinding the invitation now?" he pouted.
Envy regained his composure and smiled. "And deprive you of the pleasure of my company? Never."
Greed popped the trunk, picked out three of the at least twelve bottles of various alcoholic beverages he had acquired en route to the party, handed one to Kimberly, and they headed to the pool.
Everyone who was anyone was at the party. Even the military types were there, although it could be argued that most of them had come solely to see Lust in a bathing suit. And she did live up to her name, in her classic black bikini that seemed to merely be painted on. There was definitely something gravity-defying about her today, and here was really nothing Breda and Fury could do except sip fruity drinks and stare.
Gluttony was doing cannonballs, much to the dismay of most of the other guests. Thankfully, Envy had convinced him that no matter how liberating it may feel, nudity was not acceptable at parties, so at least that fiasco had been averted.
Roy Mustang was trying desperately to retain his cool exterior while chatting up Riza Hawkeye, who filled out her government-issue swimsuit quite nicely, but every now and again the sight of Fullmetal with his hair down wearing nothing but swim trunks caused him a spontaneous nosebleed. Hawkeye of course noticed this, but she couldn’t decide whether to be amused or disgusted. She tried to convince the colonel that fraternization was fraternization, no matter the setting, but he seemed undeterred.
Edward was lounging in the hot tub, trying to act mature. He had convinced Envy to slip him REAL drinks masquerading as non-alcoholic drinks, and he was quite enjoying getting away with it right under Mustang’s nose. Which, ironically, was a bit immature of him. Moofy was hassling him by repeatedly smacking his Ed-arm against the concrete and asking “Can you feel it when I do this?” It would have completely irritated Ed had the alcohol not already begun to take effect. As it was, Edward was content to reply “No” each time. (Plus each time he ventured far from the splash-prone perimeter, he was accosted by either Hughes or Armstrong brandishing family photos and insisting on sharing them.)
At a picnic table in the west corner of the yard, Havoc was busy taking Falman and Archer for all they were worth in poker. Of all of the military personnel present, only Archer had ignored the casual environment and worn his full uniform. When he saw Kimberly walk in, he excused himself from the game and walked over.
Greed whispered, “That guy has a crush on you.” His nostrils then detected the sweet smell of cash, and he made his way to the poker table.
Havoc and Falman raised an eyebrow apiece at the homunculus as he took the seat recently vacated by the… other homunculus1.
“What? I'm not going to cheat,” Greed protested, “I have no sleeves.”
Meanwhile, Kimberly was trying to think of a slick way to get out of conversation with Archer. He handed Archer the wine bottle he was holding.
“Here, I’ll be right back,” he lied.
He strolled over to Mustang as if he had some important information to share.
“Check this out,” he whispered, glancing at Archer.
At that moment, the bottle in Archer’s hands exploded, covering him in wine and spraying glass fragments all over Envy’s deck.
Kimberly fought back a laugh. And despite himself, Mustang couldn’t help but snicker at the pompous Lt. Colonel and his ruined uniform.
Kimberly tried to mask his amusement and hurried over to Archer. “Oh sorry about that, I’ll fix it,” he said as he clapped his hands and reassembled the bottle. “Here you go,” he handed it back.
Archer looked at Kimberly like he was insane, which he was. But when he began to question, the bottle exploded again.
Kimberly could no longer contain his laughter as Archer scowled and stomped into the house. Kimberly's antics had managed to attract the attention of several others who laughed with him, but after that incident, every beverage he touched suddenly became his with absolutely no objections.
Moofy was still doing odd things with his Ed-limbs, and still asking Ed “Can you feel it when I do this?” Edward had about had enough, and was going to brave the family albums of his coworkers when Envy reappeared with two drinks. “Wrath you really shouldn’t be such a pain!” he semi-scolded.
“I prefer to be called Moofy,” he looked up at Envy with those innocent now-purple eyes. He turned his attentions back to Edward. “Can I comb your hair?” he asked sweetly.
Ed was taken off guard by the sweet expression on Moofy’s face.
“Er… “ he stammered as he took the margarita Envy offered him.
Moofy took that as a yes, grabbed Envy’s comb, positioned himself behind Ed, and began to comb his long blond hair.
1 DO NOT CONTRADICT ME.